Sex Without Love

How do they do it, the ones who make love
 without love? Beautiful as dancers,
 Gliding over each other like ice-skaters
 over the ice, fingers hooked
 inside each other's bodies, faces
 red as steak, wine, wet as the
 children at birth, whose mothers are going to
 give them away. How do they come to the
 come to the come to the God come to the
 still waters, and not love
 the one who came there with them, light
 rising slowly as steam off their joined
 skin? These are the true religious,
 the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
 accept a false Messiah, love the
 priest instead of the God. They do not
 mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
 they are like great runners: they know they are alone
 with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
 the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio
 vascular health--just factors, like the partner
 in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
 single body alone in the universe
 against its own best time.

-- Sharon Olds

Forgiveness

I feel lighter today. A variety of words come to mind, Happy, Excited, Release, Welcoming, Love, Strength but most of all they all spawn from one word...Forgiveness. We all seek forgiveness from someone at some point in our life, and we all must forgive someone at some point. Or so they say, I ask myself, how can something like a word or emotion carry such a heavy burden? I say heavy instead of huge because it wasn't until I forgave you that I felt lighter. It wasn't until I forgave myself that life became brighter. 

Here it goes all in one letter to the world for all to see. I forgive myself for ever doubting who I can be, or become and how far I can take myself and family. I forgive myself for doubting my worth, beauty, insight, smarts but most of all I forgive myself for ever doubting my parenting abilities, although lets face it, we are our own worst critic...I will have to work on that one daily for I always question myself. I forgive myself, not for wanting or asking for a divorce but for the way in which I presented it. All I can say is I learned from it, made me a better woman, I would like to think this anyhow. Funny how some get married to better themselves as a team and yet, in our case getting married froze us in time, unable to climb the ladder of life and it was only when we divorced that I had the chance to truly better myself, which in turn betters the life of my children. I forgive you as well, its like Adele says, sometimes it last in love and sometimes it hurts instead. I dont take any of it back, it was a trying yet wonderful novel within my life, with the reward of two beautiful children. I would never risk altering where I am sitting this very moment, surrounded with the people I love so much...in fact...I have never felt so complete or felt like I was me. I have no hard feelings about our marriage, although I am certain you do. That is okay though, we both have our opinions of the other, of events that took place and we both have our memories. I do hope in time that you can release the hate or hurt or whatever it may be. Not for my sake but for yours. I forgive the college professor in my freshman year who thought he could take advantage of a young beautiful woman eager to take on the world. I hope that was not a trend of yours. Then again, can you blame him? He is just a human, person, with wants and feelings. I was this vibrant happy go lucky woman who always looked older than her mentality. I have had and continue to walk through life with the constant whispers of sexual innuendos from the pit of the pigsty. I guess that is why Universities have rules, regulations and etiquette. I forgive myself for skipping town with my ex-husband in the early stages of a relationship to follow his dreams, with only a letter left on the table addressed to my Father. The mere thought that I was capable of that frightens me and I know one day I will somehow have to feel the pain I am certain he felt that day. That is probably the one immature act I am truly sorry for. I have always put my thoughts down on paper to make certain I get it all out but to have not said bye...

Pause to wipe the tears...

I forgive you for lying to me nearly a year throughout our courtship. For allowing and encouraging me to move myself, life, and most of all my family to care for you only to find out that you were perfectly healthy, not dying from a terminal illness. I forgive you for wasting endless hours on the phone talking you through your tears, surgeries that never happened, arguments that were all in your head. I forgive you, for placing the label of naive, gullible or just plain stupid upon my forehead. I am letting it go, for you sir...truly are a rare breed and I need to forgive you for all your wrong doing. That must have been Karma calling. 

I forgive you, for implying I am worthless for honey...I am far from! Ill admit, that one hit me hard, right in the core of my weak spot. In fact up until my epiphany to forgive and forgiveness will lead to clarity, your actions had others that follow you paying the price.

Now...for you...I forgive you for all the memories that stick out in my head, your inability to control your rage, or more so your inability to confront or approach issues correctly. I forgive you only because I know and have heard you say that you did only what you thought was the best thing to do. For that I cant blame you, you obviously tried what you felt was your best. I forgive myself for not living up to your expectations and letting you down. I forgive you for turning on me because no matter what you say in your defense, this is how I saw it and this is how it felt. However, I forgive you, for what its worth. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think what would you do...and do the opposite. Is that sad? Is it smart? I dont know and yet through it all I still somehow admire you.

So there ya have it...here is to lighter and brighter days...here is to letting you in and not making you pay for everyone else mark upon me. Here is to my release for I release you all from the passion I hold on past griefs. With my feet firmly planted on cloud nine shoes...this ones for you!

Family Tree

     So, now we are welcoming in Spring Break. This is exciting see, thanks to my wonderful Father I get to journey with him as well as the kids to Arkansas and visit my Grandpa and even though my Grandma has past, maybe I will get to visit with her for a bit as well. For this I am greatly thankful. Family should be valued more than it is and even I am guilty of this. I don't know if it is in the genes but my family can so easily blow people off and not in the good entertaining way. My family can cut ties without even so much as a second thought and if they do take a moment to look back, they hide it well. My family tree is vast. A beautiful oak tree southern rooted twelve children per side, cousins upon cousins, second third and even fourth twice removed family members and yet where my tree sprouts leaves symbolizing each family member, my tree sits bare in a constant state of frozen winter. I know they are out there, deep within the roots waiting to sprout to a delightful spring, but with each year passing, they sit doormat. My family harbors to much grief, hurt, they don't know how to forgive and certainly don't forget. They carry grudges, and always want for you to conform to their liking. I am not saying that every family member I have fits this description, no...each member is different and I am certain each member of my family is capable of doing the opposite but they don't. Time and time again they prove to me how easily they can let family ties slip away. I always find myself asking why, or how? How do they allow this, how do I allow this. Why are some families so close through thick and thin and yet mine so distant and over what exactly?

     The only people in my family who understand and not only understand but stick to their beliefs of a close family REGARDLESS of how much you may disapprove are my Father, my Step Mother, Grandpa and my Grandmother. I sit here at a pause for a moment, thinking about all the directions I could take that and all I can say is well, atleast I have them atleast my children have them. I can say I return the time necessary to keep that family tie tight and I will through thick and thin extend that on to my children because I will NEVER be that parent who can neglect talking to their own child, I do not care what they do, who they do it to, if I disapprove or not. They are my children, bottom line. No hurdle will be to high that we as a family can not clear it. Together! Any parent that can go without talking to their child, any parent that does not act as the parent, the mature responsible one and take the initiative a parent should to their child, any parent that allows any issue get in the way of any form of a relationship, well. I feel sad for them because one day they will reflect on all the time lost as appose to all the memories gained. Now as the child of such a parent, all you can do is try, make an attempt at a relationship and maybe you will always find your self making attempts. One day though that child will feel over extended because it should never be the child's responsibility to make the connection. The child should not have to be on a constant search for love and acceptance, the parent should offer this willingly. In the end my thoughts always go back to my family tree, all I can do is cherish the few who I have close to my heart.

T minus and counting...

     This has been a productive week for me, I started my son in his Cub Scouts. We gathered the things necessary such as uniforms and badges. He has since been to two meetings and has really enjoyed himself. Even though he started later than others, the BSA will allow him to still earn all the appropriate belt loops and so forth. 

     I finished one of my classes this semester. It was a short seven week course, which means more work in a shorter time. I received an "A" in that class and so far still have "A's" in all my other classes. I also pulled off an "A" in my Algebra midterm. I am actually surprised, its a clear example of how one should never doubt their abilities. I had always been under the impression I just hated Math, I could not do it. Well, I can no longer use either excuse. I actually crave knowledge, any form of knowledge. 

     I received two letters of recommendation towards becoming a substitute teacher. One step closer to achieving my ultimate goal of ruling the world. I have also had my eyes opened to the world of a school psychologist. For some reason, I always felt a school psychologist was the same as a guidance counselor. Not sure how I came to this conclusion but I could not have been more wrong. As a school psychologist I get to cover two aspects of a career that I want. It also means, even more schooling than a Masters but I am up for the challenge.

Phases of life...

Someone recently asked me my age. I said I am 29, then I thought for a minute, wait am I 29? Oh yes yes I am in fact 29 years old and this gentlemen says so your still a young one, lol he made the comment that I am still wiping up similac from my chin. I laughed yes because that is freaking hilarious but when I asked his age he wasn't that much older. In fact I had dated men 7 years his elder. 

I don't think people can be judge merely on age, certainly age can play a factor but not always the case when determining ones mentality. There are phases in life which I will not get to deep in to tonight but just because there are these set phases, does not mean everyone enters or exits them at the same pace. I have met some younger people making smarter decisions than an elder. I believe what makes someone is their life experiences. You take a young adult male for instance who has been to war and he will have a different mentality than that of the same aged male who has had life handed to him. Was I ever an adolescent teenage girl seeking out trouble? Sure I was, but I was smart! I owe my Father a great deal for the how and why I process certain information. He is a brilliant man and I am certain has always been wise beyond his years. Its because of him, that I am able at 29 to view life in a whole different way. 

Anyhow, my point is I have always had older friends, always been bored with those younger excluding a few wonderful people, always been attracted to older men...I'm just happy my body and my age are catching up to my mentality...your never at the top though, there is always more knowledge obtainable...now that I a furthering my education though....to the world I say watch out!

That four letter word...

     I read a bumper sticker today that stated, "stop thinking with your brain and live through your heart." I have a confession to make. I do live through the heart. I do thoroughly think decisions through however my end conclusion almost always comes from the heart. I am a logical person but I don't not think logically. I let my heart guide me. I could say this is a horrible way to live, for thinking with my heart has lead me to places I wish I had not gone. I could say this has made me bitter but I refuse to do so, if I could go back I would change a couple events, a couple choice made from the heart. Do I regret them, no. In this very moment I do not regret having done anything however knowing now what will happen, if I could go back I would save myself, my kids and a few others the time, trouble, confusion, hurt and so forth. When all is said and done, I am content with the way I process feelings, emotions and decisions from the heart. This is because I know I will never look back at my life and say, "I wish I had taken that leap of faith" atleast now I know what happened lol. If there is one message I can ever get my children to receive is truly, truly Asa, Amelia everyone...live as though each day is your last. Open your heart, don't be cold, don't be closed. Don't delay love and even if it isn't love don't delay feelings. I have heard people say, I am not ready for a serious relationship. I have even said this once or twice however, I never follow through. Ask yourself what is so wrong with love, when did love because another bad four letter word that is tabu to speak of? What happen to everyone? Love is wonderful, its challenging, funny, tingly and an array of emotions. So yeah sometimes it doesn't work out but stop worrying about that and live. Live from the heart, let your heart guide you. I took that leap of faith and landed flat on my face but dammit, I took a leap of faith and I say it smiling. Can you say that you have been so daring? 

     We are human, and I see that humans want to place time on everything. Time is a guideline the politically correct timing of dating, marriage, having children when in reality I have seen people date for years then get married and divorce the same year. I have met couples who married quick and stayed together for years to come still. I don't know about you but I do not want to be that person who maps out there life based on timing only to find out there time has been cut short. Then what? How does one prioritized life when they are dying and really come on, aren't we all dying? Every breath we take could very well be our last. Maybe just maybe though, I am the wrong one. I am not too high and mighty to deny I could be wrong. Maybe we should all close ourselves to feelings, to the world, to people as we are doing so gradually more and more with each day. Everyone is so hurt they will not allow emotions, and to those people I say wake up...who hasn't been hurt? Come on, I was lied to by a man who said he was dying, DYING and if I can get over a relationship based on his being sickly ill and finding out it was a sham, you too can get over whomever or whatever has hurt you. If I can allow trust and love in to my heart then so can you.

Another excerpt from "Majestic"

     The following is another excerpt of my short story, "Majestic" tonights blog will discuss a bit from the opening paragraph.

     "I always wondered what drives them to it, to go through with it. Some would say to take your own life is a cowardly thing to do. I disagree. I believe it takes a lot of courage to make such a decision as to take a life, your own life. It’s an irrevocable choice. People have always said God doesn’t forgive those who commit suicide, God, he doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Well, what do you say to someone who doesn’t believe in your God. God, does not chose your path, he does not chose who lives and dies. If you say he does then you are implying that when someone is killed by the hands of another that God, then chose this to happen. God does not and cannot control what happens so God does not and cannot control what life brings you. So, I ask, what do you say to someone who has been deceived by their God."

    So many of us, take the road less traveled. I have a key chain it states, "Do not follow a worn path. Go instead where there is no path, and blaze a new trail." Thus far, this has been the statement for my travels and I believe as a result I have found myself asking this very question. If God controls all, if he truly does not dish out anything one can not handle then what do you say when you have been deceived by God? What do you say to someone who has suffered something fierce, that does not believe in the same God as you? I feel that statement is too universal to assume the one you are talking to believes what you believe. Never since 18 years of age has my life been easy. I don't post that statement to place blame or complain. I love my life, I love the hurdles, challenges. I have faced the idea that I may become homeless. I have looked my child/ren in the eyes thinking what the fuck am I going to do. I have felt disappointment upon my shoulders and I have been disappointed in others. I have been knocked down, hurt, poor...still poor, lonely and while everyone else plays with their ipods I sit empty handed. I have gone through tragedy alone, and yet, at the end of the day I can smile because I know that all the leaps I took to get over those very hurdles made me stronger, made me who I am even lead me to chose my career path or as I like to call it, my life's calling.  So, do I believe God does not give you more than one can handle? No I don't. I dont believe God plays a role in what comes your way. I believe that you must pull deep from within yourself, sometimes so deep you didn't even know it was there...the strength needed to pull yourself through. I know this because I have spent years at a time crying every night. Was I depressed? No, I don't think so because every morning I woke up smiling, I woke up to a beautiful child/ren, I kept on truckin. Was I happy? No, no I wasn't for a long time, being happy and being depressed for me are two different realms. I was not depressed however, I was not happy with my place in life. I had a vision of where I would be and like most, that vision has yet to play out...In fact, only now after 29 years do I feel I am truly myself and happy and its those very hurdles that eventually led me to pure happiness, content. I am actually thankful that at 29 I see through the shallowness our society offers...I see past it all and as the good saying goes, "I don't sweat the small stuff" Every day I think of something I am grateful for, so that I don't look back one day wishing I had been a grateful person. I try to treat those around me and especially my children as good as one can because I know the irony of our society is we will open a door for a strange while slamming the door on our family. I will not be that person. I can say that I do live each day as though it will be my last...am I jumping out of planes everyday? Well, no...I'm poor remember? But I do think with my heart...I dont waste time with love, I am not afraid to say I love someone. I never go to bed upset, I say I love you to my children as much as I can. I kiss them hug them as well as my family when I see them or leave them. I capture each beautiful smile my kids flash my way and that right there is enough for me to be fulfilled. I watch the sunset often, I stop for a moment to "smell the roses" I sit back and watch the pure innocence playing in my front yard. So the next time you feel as though you just cant do it any longer, give yourself some credit...reach deep within yourself and gather up that strength. Tell yourself, what fun would life be if everything was easy and handed to you? Life would be boring and predictable. What kind of character would you have if you didn't work and work hard at life everyday? Whats that quote..."it's greener on the other side of the fence because it's fertilized with shit" Everyone wishes for easy, and I can understand just needing a break once and again and believe me, I know pain and hardship...I know wanting to give up. I know barely treading water, the feeling as though someone is standing over you waiting till you reach the surface to gasp for air just so they can push you back under, I know...right when you think your ahead and bam another wave to knock you down...bottle that strength we all possess, for tomorrow is a new day and your gunna need it!