I feel lighter today. A variety of words come to mind, Happy, Excited, Release, Welcoming, Love, Strength but most of all they all spawn from one word...Forgiveness. We all seek forgiveness from someone at some point in our life, and we all must forgive someone at some point. Or so they say, I ask myself, how can something like a word or emotion carry such a heavy burden? I say heavy instead of huge because it wasn't until I forgave you that I felt lighter. It wasn't until I forgave myself that life became brighter.
Here it goes all in one letter to the world for all to see. I forgive myself for ever doubting who I can be, or become and how far I can take myself and family. I forgive myself for doubting my worth, beauty, insight, smarts but most of all I forgive myself for ever doubting my parenting abilities, although lets face it, we are our own worst critic...I will have to work on that one daily for I always question myself. I forgive myself, not for wanting or asking for a divorce but for the way in which I presented it. All I can say is I learned from it, made me a better woman, I would like to think this anyhow. Funny how some get married to better themselves as a team and yet, in our case getting married froze us in time, unable to climb the ladder of life and it was only when we divorced that I had the chance to truly better myself, which in turn betters the life of my children. I forgive you as well, its like Adele says, sometimes it last in love and sometimes it hurts instead. I dont take any of it back, it was a trying yet wonderful novel within my life, with the reward of two beautiful children. I would never risk altering where I am sitting this very moment, surrounded with the people I love so much...in fact...I have never felt so complete or felt like I was me. I have no hard feelings about our marriage, although I am certain you do. That is okay though, we both have our opinions of the other, of events that took place and we both have our memories. I do hope in time that you can release the hate or hurt or whatever it may be. Not for my sake but for yours. I forgive the college professor in my freshman year who thought he could take advantage of a young beautiful woman eager to take on the world. I hope that was not a trend of yours. Then again, can you blame him? He is just a human, person, with wants and feelings. I was this vibrant happy go lucky woman who always looked older than her mentality. I have had and continue to walk through life with the constant whispers of sexual innuendos from the pit of the pigsty. I guess that is why Universities have rules, regulations and etiquette. I forgive myself for skipping town with my ex-husband in the early stages of a relationship to follow his dreams, with only a letter left on the table addressed to my Father. The mere thought that I was capable of that frightens me and I know one day I will somehow have to feel the pain I am certain he felt that day. That is probably the one immature act I am truly sorry for. I have always put my thoughts down on paper to make certain I get it all out but to have not said bye...
Pause to wipe the tears...
I forgive you for lying to me nearly a year throughout our courtship. For allowing and encouraging me to move myself, life, and most of all my family to care for you only to find out that you were perfectly healthy, not dying from a terminal illness. I forgive you for wasting endless hours on the phone talking you through your tears, surgeries that never happened, arguments that were all in your head. I forgive you, for placing the label of naive, gullible or just plain stupid upon my forehead. I am letting it go, for you sir...truly are a rare breed and I need to forgive you for all your wrong doing. That must have been Karma calling.
I forgive you, for implying I am worthless for honey...I am far from! Ill admit, that one hit me hard, right in the core of my weak spot. In fact up until my epiphany to forgive and forgiveness will lead to clarity, your actions had others that follow you paying the price.
Now...for you...I forgive you for all the memories that stick out in my head, your inability to control your rage, or more so your inability to confront or approach issues correctly. I forgive you only because I know and have heard you say that you did only what you thought was the best thing to do. For that I cant blame you, you obviously tried what you felt was your best. I forgive myself for not living up to your expectations and letting you down. I forgive you for turning on me because no matter what you say in your defense, this is how I saw it and this is how it felt. However, I forgive you, for what its worth. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think what would you do...and do the opposite. Is that sad? Is it smart? I dont know and yet through it all I still somehow admire you.
