The following is another excerpt of my short story, "Majestic" tonights blog will discuss a bit from the opening paragraph.
"I always wondered what drives them to it, to go through with it. Some would say to take your own life is a cowardly thing to do. I disagree. I believe it takes a lot of courage to make such a decision as to take a life, your own life. It’s an irrevocable choice. People have always said God doesn’t forgive those who commit suicide, God, he doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Well, what do you say to someone who doesn’t believe in your God. God, does not chose your path, he does not chose who lives and dies. If you say he does then you are implying that when someone is killed by the hands of another that God, then chose this to happen. God does not and cannot control what happens so God does not and cannot control what life brings you. So, I ask, what do you say to someone who has been deceived by their God."
So many of us, take the road less traveled. I have a key chain it states, "Do not follow a worn path. Go instead where there is no path, and blaze a new trail." Thus far, this has been the statement for my travels and I believe as a result I have found myself asking this very question. If God controls all, if he truly does not dish out anything one can not handle then what do you say when you have been deceived by God? What do you say to someone who has suffered something fierce, that does not believe in the same God as you? I feel that statement is too universal to assume the one you are talking to believes what you believe. Never since 18 years of age has my life been easy. I don't post that statement to place blame or complain. I love my life, I love the hurdles, challenges. I have faced the idea that I may become homeless. I have looked my child/ren in the eyes thinking what the fuck am I going to do. I have felt disappointment upon my shoulders and I have been disappointed in others. I have been knocked down, hurt, poor...still poor, lonely and while everyone else plays with their ipods I sit empty handed. I have gone through tragedy alone, and yet, at the end of the day I can smile because I know that all the leaps I took to get over those very hurdles made me stronger, made me who I am even lead me to chose my career path or as I like to call it, my life's calling. So, do I believe God does not give you more than one can handle? No I don't. I dont believe God plays a role in what comes your way. I believe that you must pull deep from within yourself, sometimes so deep you didn't even know it was there...the strength needed to pull yourself through. I know this because I have spent years at a time crying every night. Was I depressed? No, I don't think so because every morning I woke up smiling, I woke up to a beautiful child/ren, I kept on truckin. Was I happy? No, no I wasn't for a long time, being happy and being depressed for me are two different realms. I was not depressed however, I was not happy with my place in life. I had a vision of where I would be and like most, that vision has yet to play out...In fact, only now after 29 years do I feel I am truly myself and happy and its those very hurdles that eventually led me to pure happiness, content. I am actually thankful that at 29 I see through the shallowness our society offers...I see past it all and as the good saying goes, "I don't sweat the small stuff" Every day I think of something I am grateful for, so that I don't look back one day wishing I had been a grateful person. I try to treat those around me and especially my children as good as one can because I know the irony of our society is we will open a door for a strange while slamming the door on our family. I will not be that person. I can say that I do live each day as though it will be my last...am I jumping out of planes everyday? Well, no...I'm poor remember? But I do think with my heart...I dont waste time with love, I am not afraid to say I love someone. I never go to bed upset, I say I love you to my children as much as I can. I kiss them hug them as well as my family when I see them or leave them. I capture each beautiful smile my kids flash my way and that right there is enough for me to be fulfilled. I watch the sunset often, I stop for a moment to "smell the roses" I sit back and watch the pure innocence playing in my front yard. So the next time you feel as though you just cant do it any longer, give yourself some credit...reach deep within yourself and gather up that strength. Tell yourself, what fun would life be if everything was easy and handed to you? Life would be boring and predictable. What kind of character would you have if you didn't work and work hard at life everyday? Whats that quote..."it's greener on the other side of the fence because it's fertilized with shit" Everyone wishes for easy, and I can understand just needing a break once and again and believe me, I know pain and hardship...I know wanting to give up. I know barely treading water, the feeling as though someone is standing over you waiting till you reach the surface to gasp for air just so they can push you back under, I know...right when you think your ahead and bam another wave to knock you down...bottle that strength we all possess, for tomorrow is a new day and your gunna need it!
