A Dream

When I drove up my heart started racing and I knew I had already fallen for your beauty. I stepped out of the car, drew in a slow breath of fresh country air and knew I was in love. I gathered myself, fixing my make up hoping that I appeared just as worthy as you appear to me. I strategically walked to the back door, greeting your current owner with a kind handshake. All the while I am wishing I could pet you, nestle your original wood flooring or stroke all the dark trim crown molding. I have this overwhelming sense of never wanting to part. I can easily see rushing home to make memories with my children rather than seeking to take them elsewhere away from smaller confinements and city life. Not too long after, the realtor and family stop in to also bask in your glorious beauty and charm. Many ooo's and ahhh's with giddy fingers and happy feet. Everyone around me is speaking and yet I seem to fall miles away enchanted by every crevice; every mark and touch of history within your seventy plus years of life. The people with me fade away and just like that my children float past me, soft music fills the room, my daughter grabs my hand as we begin dancing...twirling from room to room...laughing. We are playing hide and seek and you hide the children so well. I call to my kids, upstairs-I know that is where they are because I heard the pitter-patter of sweet feet-after lunch we head outside and pick fruits from the twenty some odd fruit trees on the property. A porch swing beckons me, I climb in feeling extraordinarily small in comparison to your enormous footage. I almost wonder am I deserving of such history, such wondrous beauty and then I remember that my children are always deserving and for them I would do anything. How thankful I would be to you, for allowing us to make new memories here under your shelter. If all should go well in the coming month, I promise you now that we would honor your age, cherish you and make certain you remain a healthy part of history. We would create magical memories-how could one not, when living in such serene peace.

Time

My Hair Is Gone

Where has the time gone...

It has been a long time since I have written. I didn't realize just how long until I went to post my latest song lyrics. Let's face it, the only reason I have not written...aside from the obvious lack of inspiration, is because I cannot really say what I want to say. I feel this is a battle I will never win. You see the beauty and intrigue inside a tigers eyes yet you want to tame that creature into submission.

I am proud to say I graduated from Daytona State College with an A.A. in General Studies...my focus was in Elementary Education however, my eventual goal has always been School Psychologist so after some much needed research I decided to continue on in Psychology. I just love the world of "what if" dearly. I will begin my B.S. in Psychology and then my Masters in School Psychology and eventually my Doctorate. Yes, it took all I had to fight back the tears; tears of pure satisfaction, recognition...tears of joy, relief but most of all...tears of happiness. 

I have been playing guitar more and more with each day. Finally picked up a beauty I would not be embarrassed to play in public. I call her Lenor; she's been good to me. I am ready to play for the world...the world being a few unfortunate souls LOL. When ever I imagine playing for a live crowd, I think of the band Garbage, the song Milk...I imagine it like seducing the serpent. Julia Stone's, All of Me...I want for a love like that. Anyways, I will play guitar in front of a crowd...on a stage...outside of my realm. I will...

Then what?

Who?

Who lights up your life

Who keeps that sparkle in your eye

Who do you run to, when all you want to do is...

Who are you thankful for

Who would you give anything for

Who did you help today, or who did you save...

Who did you hug today

Who did you validate

Whose life did you change....

Who did you kiss today, or say I love you anyways

Ohhhh who

Who was there for you

Who held your hand

Who did you pray to, when all you thought was there was gone...

What I want for Christmas

   I heard an interesting story the other day. It was about a boy who growing up had very little and when Christmas time came, expected nothing. On Christmas morning the little boy was surprised and excited to see a fruit basket, filled with oranges, apples and a toy wooden knick knack.

   Someone was recently asked, “What do you want for Christmas?” They replied with one simple word; peace. With all the hustle and bustle around the holidays, just sit for a moment, alone or with family possibly friends and enjoy a moment of peace and wish the same for others.

You hear it numerous times throughout the holiday season. It doesn’t even matter your religious background. What do you want for Christmas? Well I’ll tell you.

   I want to be able to attend my child’s school function without wondering how many of those precious children are a part of the 49,886 children experiencing homelessness while trying to obtain an education. Did you know Florida is ranked 43^rd (50 being the worst) in child homelessness and that 800,000 children in Florida alone live in poverty?

I want to give the gift of security to those who have felt that fear of having your power cut off. I want to not choke up every time I pass the families with children on the side of the road, holding signs asking for anything. I want to not feel guilty because I didn’t stop and I didn’t stop because I feel as though any of us are always one step from their reality. I have nothing to give, or so I thought until recently. The other day when my son and I past a homeless family on the side of the road, I asked him to just imagine what that must feel like. To not have shelter from the rain (my son happens to feel quite discontent when it storms) I don’t know how much he really understood but I did notice he was getting teary eyed. We have never had much in the way of fancy crap people fill their homes with but the older I get the more I realize just how far from the bottom of the barrel we are. There is a huge gap between having a roof over your head and having to wash your children in a convenient store bathroom.

   We as a society need to wake up and realize that the homeless of today are a whole new demographic of people. They could be your neighbors, co-workers, friends and family. We can no longer ignore and not give to those in need because we feel they will run to the nearest liquid store to cure their latest disease. It’s just no longer the case. We should be ashamed of ourselves for purchasing that new furniture set knowing our economy is causing people in YOUR shoes to become homeless. Every time we spend or live outside our means we should be ashamed for choosing to ignore our growing homeless society.

   I love to gift give and receive just as much as the next person but this year…I want people to give to someone else. I want to see everyone spending less yet giving more. I see people who are not even religious celebrating a religious holiday merely by shelling out money and for what greater cause exactly? We need to shell out to the top dog corporations so they can feed the hungry in some country we can’t even pronounce so they can appear ethical?

   It’s been awhile since I last posted. To be honest I haven’t felt all that inspired lately. If you take anything away from this remember those families who have nothing. Not the families who may go without presents this year but those families who get turned away by homeless shelters because the 718 beds in Orange county alone are already filled, that only offers beds to 62 percent of the homeless population in Orange county. Don’t even get me started on Volusia, Seminole or Osceola counties. Remember those families who are experiencing homelessness for the first time, due to our economy. The same economy we all should fear, the same economy we all created. I challenge everyone, myself included to reach out. To admit and acknowledge that the real hidden epidemic is right here in front of us, it’s behind the eyes of the same children who are suffering emotionally and academically because they don’t have any of the simple things in life. Those same objects we consider to be free. While everyone else is worrying about who gets what and purchasing enough gifts so everyone will feel satisfied, stressing over not getting that one big ticket item we all feel we need, look past the surface and see just how silly you’re behaving. So what do I want for Christmas? I employ you to give any way you can. Feed the homeless, reach out to the community, do your own research and get involved, I know in my heart if we don’t fix this now, we will regret it later.

The Greatest...

I drive around the local neighborhoods, where a vast majority of the residence are well below the U.S. poverty guidelines, therefore schools are title one schools meaning over seventy percent of students meet the free or reduced lunch. Its raining this particular time, the radio is playing "The Greatest" by Cat Powers...a song about always feeling as though one must be the greatest at everything. I see homes falling apart, yards a mess, the kind  in which you can't quite distinguish if the owners are having a year round garage sale...and yet, the same homes have huge well decorated gazebos, Escalades and Beamers in the drive. I can't help but wonder whats in side those houses. Those same houses, and residents of said houses have their children on free and reduced lunches. This would have to mean, that the yearly income of these household members, do not meet federal guidelines of above poverty. 

When did this come about? The feeling that plagues most our American society. That we must all be the greatest and being the greatest is defined by social standards. The greatest are those who possess the most, most money, biggest tv's, highly priced electronics, which all fundamentally do the same things. Have you even stopped to notice that your Ipod touch, IPhone and Ipad all technically DO the same crap? Is it a necessity to own all three? If it is, then why? Why do we feel this way? Have we been conditioned to feel as though every cent that comes into our home must be dumped into the latest and greatest to ensure we stay on top? Are we seriously defining ourselves as a person based on what material possessions we own? Have we stopped to consider that our economic failure stems from our need to feed this status? We dump money, we no longer save we rather spend on wants not needs. In past generations, people knew the value, that's right...value of a dollar. Regardless of today's cost of living, it's as if we go looking for more ways to waste our money.

I recently did a report for a class about student diversity and how social class defines us. Growing up, your parents socialized you to be in a certain class...its inevitable. Your parents are the first to socialize you. They pretty much control everyone you encounter and everything you do. I feel as though from a very young age, I had to have the best of everything and I was nothing or not a productive citizen if I had nothing to show...I dont blame anyone for this. I think my parents wanted the best for me and as a result showered me with everything. I wasn't a spoiled child, but never went without and had way more than a child needs. Both my parents have enough money to never complain about a lack of. 

Let me paint a picture...a beautiful family gathered around on a recently brick paved patio. Everyone has a ipod in hand ranging from generation one to generation who cares...so this family, with all their ipods in hand are discussing their music choices. One pulls out speakers that connect to ipods and sits said speakers on the patio table. So now, we have each family member taking turns playing music on the speakers for all to hear and comparing choices...you would think this could be great family bonding time however I was the ONLY family member without an ipod. I was mid twenties at this time, hadn't seen this side of the family in some time...and always felt distant partially do to this exact type of scenario. I must say they had great taste in music however one family member looks to me and says, "Ashley, you don't have an ipod?" as if, I was nothing without one, as if, it was so odd to not have one and as if, it was an impossibility like...really? could it be, someone in this world didn't have an ipod! I felt about the size of a pea. I felt knocked down the status ladder. I wanted to say, "Yes that's right, I have no money and what little money I have cannot go towards an ipod...so sorry to disappoint." That's right, once more in some form or fashion I felt like I had disappointed them. Simply due to not having enough. It's sad isn't it.

Part of me wanted to run home crying, even though I was well past the age of acceptable crying due to not having the latest and greatest. This is just one example of sadly, many. Many moments in my life which have instilled in me, that one must be defined by what they own or even how pretty they are. Defined by there social status/class. However, as an adult. I know better. I view life nowadays in a whole new light. I dont care what people think of me, I treat everyone with care but if they don't like who I am, then they dont have to be around me. I always felt like I had to please everyone, certainly my parents. I dont mean please them by being a good person. I'd like to think I already do. I mean please them as in, what materialistic things do I bring to the table. It sounds bad indeed. I always felt like I was of nothing important if I did not live up to expectations. I was not living up to the social status within my own small family. Like I said, I know better now. I see through any shallow waters. I love my life, I love what little things I have accumulated, I love striving for more. I don't need to live up to anyone expectations and I certainly don't feel the need to please anyone. I am me, I love me...I had a dream I was the queen and woke up still queen. To the rest of the world, stop feeling as though you're not good enough because you dont own that 55inch tv. Stop buying the best cars to show off, if you can't afford a new roof. We are NOT what we own. The old saying goes, "Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind, the race is long and in the end it's only with yourself."