Today Was The First Time I Truly Thanked God...

Howry Road is a relatively busy road, sees traffic all day. The speed limit is 30-35mph so you could say its not a road I would ever allow Asa to roam freely. However, not all parents would agree. I dont know maybe some feel with children you should just throw them into the mix and hope for the best. I couldn't disagree more. I feel children do not possess the necessary thinking to send them out in the world and just wish them luck. When my children play outside I am always right there. They know not to run into the road without looking for cars first. Even so, they still do not fully understand the damage a car can do to a child, they just simply dont comprehend, especially Amelia. You dont know the anger I feel when I see Asa's friends whom are seven and five roaming these streets on bikes, not a care in the world. You dont know the feelings I get the rage when I see these children ride right out in front of a car on numerous occasions. All I can do is think, were the hell are their parents...I know where they are though and thats a whole other topic. On most days as I travel Howry there are the same children outside playing, on many occasions I have dodged a ball or a child because they see a ball roll away and its like the fascination similar to that of a dog and squirrel. They dont even look. I just want to scream. I rarely feel such anger as when I see a child do something stupid and a parent is no where to be seen. Children, ya know...the fear nothing, they constantly have a sense of safety when playing. It is the parents sole responsibility to embed in them the dangers of life. They must know and learn to always look for cars. Its because I see this family every day and Asa's friends every day acting as though they own the world, that I constantly sit on this anger for parents who are not parenting. Im sorry but you can not allow your five year old to roam 17-92. Am I wrong in thinking this? I feel like the bad parent when I wont let Asa go running like a wild monkey. Today I was justified. I dont know if justified is the right term but I was quickly reminded of why I watch my children like a hawk. 

Today I thanked God, for the first time. I hit a little boy on his bike. I watched him come from nowhere, flying hopping his bike right out in front of me. Its a major road and yet he didn't even think to look. Not a care in the world. I slammed on my brakes turned away alittle but there was nothing I could do. No time at all, no warning, he didn't even begin to stop. He is maybe around Asa's age. I was on my way to Asa's school actually Amelia in the backseat. Whatever reason this boy, Nigel wasn't in school, wasn't wearing a helmet. So there I was, I hit a child with my truck. Its the middle of the road and I throw it in park get out as quick as I can. Run to the little boy who is crying. More from fear but at the time you just dont know. I'm shaking, I'm thinking how do I react. He wont stop crying. People are asking if he is okay. I bend down to him, shaking so bad I can barely control myself. I look at him, I ask if he is okay. I tell him look you need to stop crying and breathe, breathe deep with me, breathe in and out...I check him out, he seems okay, he busted his lip. I check to make certain its not teeth. I sit him down on the curb. I get up and just circle, so many people there now that were not before. Someone called the fire department. I'm weak in the knees. So much I have to do now, find his parents but cant leave, move my car but cant leave, check on Amelia but cant move. His bike is trashed. I'm thinking, I wasn't going fast at all the speed limit being around 30 and yet his bike obviously took the blow. Thank you to the lady who saw it all, who stopped and knew, she knew what he did, how he didn't look. She made sure he was okay and then looked at me, shaking and asked if I was okay. She hugged me, numerous times actually, thank you again for that. I hugged the boy while we wait to find his parents. Gosh what do you say to the child you hit with your vehicle? I'm thinking, I hit a child. I could have killed a child today, where the fuck are his parents. Some of the boys family drove by, they stopped to make sure he was okay and the strange thing, they didn't seem surprised. When his Mom comes running out of the house balling, showing some real emotion I broke down. Adrenaline is a powerful thing. What do you say to the parent, do you sympathize with the emotions they are going through? We showed her the boy was okay, she says to the boy I tell you to always watch out on your bike...I want to scream at her, I want to yell at the top of my lungs fuck you to all the parents who think that is parenting. You could have lost a child and you know what, today could have been the day I was responsible for killing a child. A defenseless child, the look on his face, ill never forget. I wanted to slap the parent for putting me in this position, for putting her child in that position. I kept saying to myself are you fucking kidding me. The Fire Department pulls up and all seriousness aside this is about the time im thinking great, sure wish I wasn't wearing shorts a tank top and my legs could have used a shave. Wonderful lets show the world. Of course this is all side effects from the fact I just hit a child. What exactly is proper etiquette? I tell them what happened, they check the boy out and actually begin to lecture him on the wrong he did and not wearing a helmet. I could sit here all day and repeat to myself, wow...I hit a child, I hit a little boy on a bike with my truck and every time tears come to my eyes. The fire department said I was free to go like this was nothing an everyday event but I hit a child... 

So thank you God, thank you for looking after that little boy, thank you for allowing him a second chance to look both ways. You could say lets hope from now on he will realize the seriousness when obeying the rules of the road, lets hope he has an all new respect of cars but most of all and God please help me out here, Parents, get off your fucking ass and watch your damn children, fuck you for pawning your child's safety off on me, fuck you for putting me in the position of responsibility over your child's lack of judgment. Your child did not have to suffer that scare, I hope you realize how lucky you are tonight, I know I do.

My Completed Short Story "Majestic"

I always wondered what drives them to it, to go through with it. Some would say to take your own life is a cowardly thing to do. I disagree. I believe it takes a lot of courage to make such a decision as to take a life, your own life. It’s an irrevocable choice. People have always said God doesn’t forgive those who commit suicide, God, he doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Well, what do you say to someone who doesn’t believe in your God. God, does not choose your path, he does not choose who lives and dies. If you say he does then you are implying that when someone is killed by the hands of another that God, then chose this to happen. God does not and cannot control what happens so God does not and cannot control what life brings you. So, I ask, what do you say to someone who has been deceived by their God.

            It was a beautiful crisp Sunday morning. First day of fall. A, take your family to the park, kind of day or so the morning news anchor said. I however, was already too far gone in a fog of what some would call self-pity. That’s another thing I question. Why is it when you feel down people say stop wallowing in your own self-pity or don’t give me the pity party? To me, that’s like saying your emotions are not justified. That very same person who makes such a remark will one day wallow in their own self-pity, don’t we all? The difference is most can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’ll admit I was once one of those silver lining people. I don’t even have the ability to pin point when it all changed, what exactly went wrong and even if I did I am not so sure at this point I would have changed the outcome.

            I came across a long beautiful dress while rummaging through some memorabilia, this material so majestic its time is priceless. It was my Grandmothers. Reminiscing always did the trick when I was not feeling quite myself. Something was different this time, shall I say an uneasy level of content. I knew it didn’t feeling quite right however I made no attempt to pull myself back. In all honesty neither did anyone else. I placed the dress on my bed, all sprawled out, and drew myself a nice hot bath. I live in the mountains of North Carolina in an old log cabin. Equipped with breath taking views however the selling point was the claw foot tub. Yes, what woman has not yearned for a claw foot tub to soak in at some point in their existence? The day my Husband and I looked at his house, I walked in this very bathroom and had a hallelujah moment. Here I stand now and everything is so bleak. I lit some candles, poured the lavender into the water watching the swirls of rainbows the oils made, caressing the water with my fingertips, breathing in the steam. I walked over to the mirror, staring at my naked self, swollen eyes having cried myself out of tears. Slipping into the burning water watching it overflow onto the floor, I felt numb, somehow cold as I lay there soaking.

            Gathering the towel around me, stepping out onto the plush carpet moving over to my vanity, I begin to brush my hair which reaches to my waist. I decide to wear it down today. I wore it up so much I forget how beautiful it is. I once thought it to be my best feature. I slip into my Grandmother’s dress; it fits perfectly as if to say this is my fate. The dress reached my toes, after all these years it was in pristine condition. Made of pure white silk and trimmed in lace. It felt soft, silky and cool against my skin.

            To the rest of the world I probably would not have alarmed anyone. I woke up, bathed, got dressed, made coffee and now I rest on the front porch. I use to watch the sun rise from this porch. I thought of all the memories gained here, while looking out over the lake. I was happy, that much I know but happiness like everything else can been taken away from you in a mere second, replaced with sadness, sorrow and hurt. Mmmm, there is that wave of content again. Is there even such a thing? Is one suppose to be so content with the notion of taking their life away, removing their existence. I can feel the calm rushing through my body, like the music flowing through my house. I am rocking almost incoherent humming to Moonlight by Beethoven.

            I want to dance, dance like they did in the Victorian era. I begin circling, dancing my way off the porch into the fog covered grass. Happy and laughing even. I stroll and somehow no matter how far I go from the house I can still hear the symphony dancing over me. It is quite chilly this time of year yet I can feel nothing. I have walked for maybe a mile up the side of the cliff. I reach our secret place, our hide away from the world. Its an opening where the mountain meets the lake. Its as if God took a huge chunk of the mountain away to make room for the water. The forest of trees break so the sun can shine through and all around you is a canopy of oak trees, almost as though they are there to protect you. Standing at the edge of this cliff, breathing in the crisp fall air,  it is just like those mornings when you step outside, take a deep breath in and no matter how deep, you cant seem to get enough it just feels that refreshing. Just as I feel Beethoven’s climax sweet sorrow, I spread my arms unattached to the world I use to know, I let go…just like that. I was gone. 

My Loves

Asa Thomas was born on September 25th 2003 at 11:07pm and weighed exactly 7lbs 11oz interesting huh. He was a long labor, fifteen hours and a half hour of actual pushing. I will never forget the big butch German woman coaching me in a not so nice manner. He didn't sleep through the night for many months and he hated traveling outside the house after dark, his scream would make your toes curl. He has been a joy to watch grow, such a bright young man. The way he views the world, it wouldn't surprise me if he has the MENSA genes. Sometimes he out thinks me and then other times he quickly reminds me that he is still a child. 

Amelia Jeanine was born April 15th 2008 bright and early in the morning. My pregnancy with her was difficult from day one but nontheless enjoyable. She was 8lbs 12oz and slept through the night on day one. My labor was scary, terrifying. She had broken her clavicle and with in seconds they had tons of nurses in the room, I will never forget the look on the Doctors face and I wouldn't doubt if he did it. Anyhow she was a whooping thirty seconds of pushing. I prayed that I would connect and have a wonderful relationship with her but I feared that our relationship would be like that of my Mother and I. However, there was a moment in the hospital when it was just Amelia and I alone. I had her bundled up and placed her in between my legs, we kicked back and watched some tv...She would look up at me and it was the most peaceful moment. I knew then, her and I would be just fine:) There is nothing like seeing life...making life, building, teaching and watching life grow before your eyes. I only hope I can always recall every detail. If not, I atleast have this. 

Both my kids are rays of light, happy, wise beyond their years. They are beyond fun, excited and entertaining. They are a challenge worth taking, they teach me and enlighten, open my mind to things I may have missed. They are both completely different in personality. Asa is cool and calm, Amelia is a force. Asa is shy, Amelia is a flirt. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I will enjoy every moment I have with them and hope that it never ends. I dread the goodbye, the onset of adulthood but I will prepare them for such occasion. I hope that one day, they will view me as I do my own Father. But know this, I will always be there, no matter what!

Sex Without Love

How do they do it, the ones who make love
 without love? Beautiful as dancers,
 Gliding over each other like ice-skaters
 over the ice, fingers hooked
 inside each other's bodies, faces
 red as steak, wine, wet as the
 children at birth, whose mothers are going to
 give them away. How do they come to the
 come to the come to the God come to the
 still waters, and not love
 the one who came there with them, light
 rising slowly as steam off their joined
 skin? These are the true religious,
 the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
 accept a false Messiah, love the
 priest instead of the God. They do not
 mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
 they are like great runners: they know they are alone
 with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
 the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio
 vascular health--just factors, like the partner
 in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
 single body alone in the universe
 against its own best time.

-- Sharon Olds

Forgiveness

I feel lighter today. A variety of words come to mind, Happy, Excited, Release, Welcoming, Love, Strength but most of all they all spawn from one word...Forgiveness. We all seek forgiveness from someone at some point in our life, and we all must forgive someone at some point. Or so they say, I ask myself, how can something like a word or emotion carry such a heavy burden? I say heavy instead of huge because it wasn't until I forgave you that I felt lighter. It wasn't until I forgave myself that life became brighter. 

Here it goes all in one letter to the world for all to see. I forgive myself for ever doubting who I can be, or become and how far I can take myself and family. I forgive myself for doubting my worth, beauty, insight, smarts but most of all I forgive myself for ever doubting my parenting abilities, although lets face it, we are our own worst critic...I will have to work on that one daily for I always question myself. I forgive myself, not for wanting or asking for a divorce but for the way in which I presented it. All I can say is I learned from it, made me a better woman, I would like to think this anyhow. Funny how some get married to better themselves as a team and yet, in our case getting married froze us in time, unable to climb the ladder of life and it was only when we divorced that I had the chance to truly better myself, which in turn betters the life of my children. I forgive you as well, its like Adele says, sometimes it last in love and sometimes it hurts instead. I dont take any of it back, it was a trying yet wonderful novel within my life, with the reward of two beautiful children. I would never risk altering where I am sitting this very moment, surrounded with the people I love so much...in fact...I have never felt so complete or felt like I was me. I have no hard feelings about our marriage, although I am certain you do. That is okay though, we both have our opinions of the other, of events that took place and we both have our memories. I do hope in time that you can release the hate or hurt or whatever it may be. Not for my sake but for yours. I forgive the college professor in my freshman year who thought he could take advantage of a young beautiful woman eager to take on the world. I hope that was not a trend of yours. Then again, can you blame him? He is just a human, person, with wants and feelings. I was this vibrant happy go lucky woman who always looked older than her mentality. I have had and continue to walk through life with the constant whispers of sexual innuendos from the pit of the pigsty. I guess that is why Universities have rules, regulations and etiquette. I forgive myself for skipping town with my ex-husband in the early stages of a relationship to follow his dreams, with only a letter left on the table addressed to my Father. The mere thought that I was capable of that frightens me and I know one day I will somehow have to feel the pain I am certain he felt that day. That is probably the one immature act I am truly sorry for. I have always put my thoughts down on paper to make certain I get it all out but to have not said bye...

Pause to wipe the tears...

I forgive you for lying to me nearly a year throughout our courtship. For allowing and encouraging me to move myself, life, and most of all my family to care for you only to find out that you were perfectly healthy, not dying from a terminal illness. I forgive you for wasting endless hours on the phone talking you through your tears, surgeries that never happened, arguments that were all in your head. I forgive you, for placing the label of naive, gullible or just plain stupid upon my forehead. I am letting it go, for you sir...truly are a rare breed and I need to forgive you for all your wrong doing. That must have been Karma calling. 

I forgive you, for implying I am worthless for honey...I am far from! Ill admit, that one hit me hard, right in the core of my weak spot. In fact up until my epiphany to forgive and forgiveness will lead to clarity, your actions had others that follow you paying the price.

Now...for you...I forgive you for all the memories that stick out in my head, your inability to control your rage, or more so your inability to confront or approach issues correctly. I forgive you only because I know and have heard you say that you did only what you thought was the best thing to do. For that I cant blame you, you obviously tried what you felt was your best. I forgive myself for not living up to your expectations and letting you down. I forgive you for turning on me because no matter what you say in your defense, this is how I saw it and this is how it felt. However, I forgive you, for what its worth. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think what would you do...and do the opposite. Is that sad? Is it smart? I dont know and yet through it all I still somehow admire you.

So there ya have it...here is to lighter and brighter days...here is to letting you in and not making you pay for everyone else mark upon me. Here is to my release for I release you all from the passion I hold on past griefs. With my feet firmly planted on cloud nine shoes...this ones for you!

Family Tree

     So, now we are welcoming in Spring Break. This is exciting see, thanks to my wonderful Father I get to journey with him as well as the kids to Arkansas and visit my Grandpa and even though my Grandma has past, maybe I will get to visit with her for a bit as well. For this I am greatly thankful. Family should be valued more than it is and even I am guilty of this. I don't know if it is in the genes but my family can so easily blow people off and not in the good entertaining way. My family can cut ties without even so much as a second thought and if they do take a moment to look back, they hide it well. My family tree is vast. A beautiful oak tree southern rooted twelve children per side, cousins upon cousins, second third and even fourth twice removed family members and yet where my tree sprouts leaves symbolizing each family member, my tree sits bare in a constant state of frozen winter. I know they are out there, deep within the roots waiting to sprout to a delightful spring, but with each year passing, they sit doormat. My family harbors to much grief, hurt, they don't know how to forgive and certainly don't forget. They carry grudges, and always want for you to conform to their liking. I am not saying that every family member I have fits this description, no...each member is different and I am certain each member of my family is capable of doing the opposite but they don't. Time and time again they prove to me how easily they can let family ties slip away. I always find myself asking why, or how? How do they allow this, how do I allow this. Why are some families so close through thick and thin and yet mine so distant and over what exactly?

     The only people in my family who understand and not only understand but stick to their beliefs of a close family REGARDLESS of how much you may disapprove are my Father, my Step Mother, Grandpa and my Grandmother. I sit here at a pause for a moment, thinking about all the directions I could take that and all I can say is well, atleast I have them atleast my children have them. I can say I return the time necessary to keep that family tie tight and I will through thick and thin extend that on to my children because I will NEVER be that parent who can neglect talking to their own child, I do not care what they do, who they do it to, if I disapprove or not. They are my children, bottom line. No hurdle will be to high that we as a family can not clear it. Together! Any parent that can go without talking to their child, any parent that does not act as the parent, the mature responsible one and take the initiative a parent should to their child, any parent that allows any issue get in the way of any form of a relationship, well. I feel sad for them because one day they will reflect on all the time lost as appose to all the memories gained. Now as the child of such a parent, all you can do is try, make an attempt at a relationship and maybe you will always find your self making attempts. One day though that child will feel over extended because it should never be the child's responsibility to make the connection. The child should not have to be on a constant search for love and acceptance, the parent should offer this willingly. In the end my thoughts always go back to my family tree, all I can do is cherish the few who I have close to my heart.

T minus and counting...

     This has been a productive week for me, I started my son in his Cub Scouts. We gathered the things necessary such as uniforms and badges. He has since been to two meetings and has really enjoyed himself. Even though he started later than others, the BSA will allow him to still earn all the appropriate belt loops and so forth. 

     I finished one of my classes this semester. It was a short seven week course, which means more work in a shorter time. I received an "A" in that class and so far still have "A's" in all my other classes. I also pulled off an "A" in my Algebra midterm. I am actually surprised, its a clear example of how one should never doubt their abilities. I had always been under the impression I just hated Math, I could not do it. Well, I can no longer use either excuse. I actually crave knowledge, any form of knowledge. 

     I received two letters of recommendation towards becoming a substitute teacher. One step closer to achieving my ultimate goal of ruling the world. I have also had my eyes opened to the world of a school psychologist. For some reason, I always felt a school psychologist was the same as a guidance counselor. Not sure how I came to this conclusion but I could not have been more wrong. As a school psychologist I get to cover two aspects of a career that I want. It also means, even more schooling than a Masters but I am up for the challenge.