I always wondered what drives them to it, to go through with it. Some would say to take your own life is a cowardly thing to do. I disagree. I believe it takes a lot of courage to make such a decision as to take a life, your own life. It’s an irrevocable choice. People have always said God doesn’t forgive those who commit suicide, God, he doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Well, what do you say to someone who doesn’t believe in your God. God, does not choose your path, he does not choose who lives and dies. If you say he does then you are implying that when someone is killed by the hands of another that God, then chose this to happen. God does not and cannot control what happens so God does not and cannot control what life brings you. So, I ask, what do you say to someone who has been deceived by their God.
It was a beautiful crisp Sunday morning. First day of fall. A, take your family to the park, kind of day or so the morning news anchor said. I however, was already too far gone in a fog of what some would call self-pity. That’s another thing I question. Why is it when you feel down people say stop wallowing in your own self-pity or don’t give me the pity party? To me, that’s like saying your emotions are not justified. That very same person who makes such a remark will one day wallow in their own self-pity, don’t we all? The difference is most can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’ll admit I was once one of those silver lining people. I don’t even have the ability to pin point when it all changed, what exactly went wrong and even if I did I am not so sure at this point I would have changed the outcome.
I came across a long beautiful dress while rummaging through some memorabilia, this material so majestic its time is priceless. It was my Grandmothers. Reminiscing always did the trick when I was not feeling quite myself. Something was different this time, shall I say an uneasy level of content. I knew it didn’t feeling quite right however I made no attempt to pull myself back. In all honesty neither did anyone else. I placed the dress on my bed, all sprawled out, and drew myself a nice hot bath. I live in the mountains of North Carolina in an old log cabin. Equipped with breath taking views however the selling point was the claw foot tub. Yes, what woman has not yearned for a claw foot tub to soak in at some point in their existence? The day my Husband and I looked at his house, I walked in this very bathroom and had a hallelujah moment. Here I stand now and everything is so bleak. I lit some candles, poured the lavender into the water watching the swirls of rainbows the oils made, caressing the water with my fingertips, breathing in the steam. I walked over to the mirror, staring at my naked self, swollen eyes having cried myself out of tears. Slipping into the burning water watching it overflow onto the floor, I felt numb, somehow cold as I lay there soaking.
Gathering the towel around me, stepping out onto the plush carpet moving over to my vanity, I begin to brush my hair which reaches to my waist. I decide to wear it down today. I wore it up so much I forget how beautiful it is. I once thought it to be my best feature. I slip into my Grandmother’s dress; it fits perfectly as if to say this is my fate. The dress reached my toes, after all these years it was in pristine condition. Made of pure white silk and trimmed in lace. It felt soft, silky and cool against my skin.
To the rest of the world I probably would not have alarmed anyone. I woke up, bathed, got dressed, made coffee and now I rest on the front porch. I use to watch the sun rise from this porch. I thought of all the memories gained here, while looking out over the lake. I was happy, that much I know but happiness like everything else can been taken away from you in a mere second, replaced with sadness, sorrow and hurt. Mmmm, there is that wave of content again. Is there even such a thing? Is one suppose to be so content with the notion of taking their life away, removing their existence. I can feel the calm rushing through my body, like the music flowing through my house. I am rocking almost incoherent humming to Moonlight by Beethoven.
I want to dance, dance like they did in the Victorian era. I begin circling, dancing my way off the porch into the fog covered grass. Happy and laughing even. I stroll and somehow no matter how far I go from the house I can still hear the symphony dancing over me. It is quite chilly this time of year yet I can feel nothing. I have walked for maybe a mile up the side of the cliff. I reach our secret place, our hide away from the world. Its an opening where the mountain meets the lake. Its as if God took a huge chunk of the mountain away to make room for the water. The forest of trees break so the sun can shine through and all around you is a canopy of oak trees, almost as though they are there to protect you. Standing at the edge of this cliff, breathing in the crisp fall air, it is just like those mornings when you step outside, take a deep breath in and no matter how deep, you cant seem to get enough it just feels that refreshing. Just as I feel Beethoven’s climax sweet sorrow, I spread my arms unattached to the world I use to know, I let go…just like that. I was gone.
