Do you fear love?

   Every fear has a name. A fear of drowning/water is an aquaphobia. A fear of Spiders, arachnophobia. There is pretty much a fear of everything imaginable and with that fear comes some unique or not so unique title with phobia at the end. A fear of love...do you have it? If you do, then lets name it. Philophobia, a fear of falling in love. I believe this fear is becoming an epidemic. I cant help but ask why? Why would someone, anyone want to fear love, giving and receiving but if anything atleast giving. When you ask someone who has a fear of love, why? They almost undoubtedly state because I was hurt. Well, aren't we all hurt? Don't we all get hurt by love at some point or another? If you fall off the bike, do you never try again? Or do you rather, get up, dust your self off, take the wisdom obtained in what not to do and place that into the opportunity of trying again? If you're anything like me, you have the pleasure of getting hurt repeatedly. I read somewhere that people dont want to love because they can't understand it. Well, there is plenty in life I dont understand but love, the emotion, is not one of them.

   I have discussed my ideals, visions, thoughts of what love is and what it should be, how to give it and certainly how to receive love, many people have enjoyed my take, my two cents. Never have I found someone who didn't debate my logic, something I seem to grasp so easily. They simply bask in the glow of my imagination before moving on, returning to reality. Although they enjoy their short stay in my world, never do they hang around too long. I am starting to think I have been beaten. How does the old saying go? "If you can't beat em, join em?"

The Proof Is In The Pudding...

   I remember the very day I first discovered the Internet. I was maybe twelve years old. My parents had  something that vaguely resembles a computer and somehow I quickly found myself in a chat room. I don't even think I realized what I was doing. I remember Mom was making dinner and I felt this overwhelming urge to hide what I was doing. There is something about chatting online with complete strangers that even at a young age felt dangerous yet tempting. I don't even believe I realized I was talking with real live people. I had my fun and it passed, on with my intense life of a teenager I went. I worry now, for my children. I worry on a variety of levels. Children face more and at a younger age. Everything you ever want to know, at your finger tips via Google. With this rise in technology, the door opens and sometimes that door leads right in to your personal life. I know the times are changing, and I can prove it. At seven to twelve years old I was playing outside, riding bikes, hoping the street lights would not come on signaling it was time to call it a day and come on inside. I made up stories with my friends, ventured into places we were not exactly suppose to be and made wonderful childhood memories. I never sat in front of a computer, never played video games, never ate sugar all day long and never worried about what I see children of today worrying about. 

   The other day I was quickly reminded the times have changed when I realized my son had unintentionally hacked my bank account and spent 240 dollars on Internet gaming. He did not realize he was spending real money and I did not realize how easily one could link PayPal with Facebook. With just a click of a button I was at a loss of 240 dollars and my son was a billionaire on Zynga. At first I thought someone stole my identity, then I laughed thinking what an idiot that person must be, then after some investigation on my part I realized it was my own son and I couldn't help but think how much our children have access too. How much everyone has access too, how quickly one could hack your Facebook and bam, there in your bank account. As I am attempting to explain to him what happened to prevent this in the future, I found myself at a loss of words. How does a child even begin to comprehend and really why should a child have to?

Summer

So much has happened I can hardly keep up. Summer classes have started, everything seems off to a good start although college sometimes feels like your running the never ending marathon. Maybe in my case I feel like someone is chasing me because I am constantly paranoid that I have or will forget an assignment. I keep looking back, looking forward...watching my step as I take the longest strides physically possible. Ill let you know if I fall, however...failure is not an option!

I said goodbye to my Brother, probably for the next two years. We had a great visit. I love him so much and I am thankful I get to be apart of his life. I very much admire the man he is becoming and wish him the best of luck. Thankfully due to technology I will still get to video chat and skype with him...

Summer officially started for my Son. His end of the year party was very sweet. I find one of the hardest things for me as an aspiring Teacher will be growing to love and care for each child and then letting them go...but not just letting them go, knowing in your heart they are growing, moving on, learning and that as the Teacher I will play a large role in this. I know each and every year, this last day will be very near and dear to me...

Speaking of Teachers. I feel for all the Teachers out there right now. Especially those in New York. They just passed the law that 40 percent of Teachers yearly evaluations will be based solely on the testing scores of Students. At first I thought well, okay, this isn't so bad but after careful consideration and further research I realize how terrible this is. I never agreed with the idea but I could imagine living with this. Now I can only hope that Florida is smart enough to realize the dangers in evaluating Teachers based on the testing results of Students. Students they may not have had the whole year. Students whose parents lack the necessary discipline to implement study time. Students with behavioral issues. I started thinking as a Teacher. I plan to pour my heart out to each and every Student. I will dedicate my time and passion to each and every Student who walks through my door and yet I see it now, the parent who wont put in the same time. I will offer to tutor, I will offer to use my spare time, which we all know will be non existent...but I will offer my time to the student I see is struggling, but I know there will be those parents who can not or will not cooperate. Will this be the same parent who backs the proposal that Teachers be evaluated on the students test scores? I think we should all personally meet the people who back these proposals, meet with their families, children and see how well their children score, see how involved these parents are with their childrens education because I tell you what, Teachers are the guide, the leader to educating your children but it doesn't and shouldn't end their. Parents need to be held just as accountable for the education of your child. Since they aren't, what is a Teacher to do?

Clouds Cover Your Eyes

Sometimes I find my own words to be overwhelming. I want to sit down before you and let my fingers roam this keypad freely. I want to stop bottling the thoughts, ideas, and feelings I keep inside. I worry there is no such thing as freedom of speech, or maybe there is and you have the choice to live with the consequences of your words. My thoughts can be hurtful, my words can come back to haunt me. I may have said once before that my Father wisely said something along the lines of, "If you dont want someone to read your thoughts, dont write them down" and yet I want to, I want you to hear, to read what I have to say. I refuse to believe I can be held back by fear of saying the wrong thing, or possibly saying the right thing yet somehow coming out wrong. I always find myself in this place. I know of only one person who holds nothing back when confronting people. Part of me thinks he is nuts for being so bold. Another part of me commends him, maybe he is one of few who actually stays true to himself. He holds nothing back, he does not sugar coat. I do, sadly I feel the need to blanket life with sweet nectar to make truth easier to swallow. I dont do this with everything. I am honest and view life from a realistic stand point. I also feel my outlook has perks especially when considering the line of work I am pursuing. However, having said that. How do I break this cycle. Is it safe to open up my soul, allow you to see the core of my being, even knowing that in doing so will most certainly come with consequence.

Recess

The highlight of my day during grade school was always recess. Who didn't enjoy the release of childhood imaginations at its best. I would gather with my friends, think up imaginary worlds, play house, doctor,  even oddly enough...teacher. We would put on shows, my all time favorite was singing, "Stop In The Name Of Love" by The Supremes. This was of course always equipped with hand gestures and the coolest dance moves you've ever seen. 

I cant help noticing that schools all over the nation are putting a halt on recess. What troubles me even more, are those certain title one schools that run an hour later than other schools whom also do not partake in recess. That means for seven hours out of each weekday students are coupe up in a room.  Explain to me how the school administrators do not see the link between the rise in childhood obesity and attention deficit disorders to the decline of daily recess.

When confronted, school administrators can only state that with the elimination of recess means more time that teachers will have with student to improve test scores and school grades. They also state outdoor play leads to more injuries. These are understandable reasons but that does not mean recess should be eliminated. It is well known that children benefit from even fifteen minutes of recess and in schools where recess is still very much apart of every day, you see a low percent of  behavioral issues in the classroom and students tend to easily retain information.  I have also noticed that if a student has not behaved, they lose recess time, those are likely the students that need recess the most. 

This does not sit well with me. As a future teacher, I worry daily where the school system is headed. If you ask me we are one step from baring the windows and labeling it prison. We take away their creativity, focus only on the academics that make the school look good, we stress our students, pushing on to them the importance of high test scores and now we have taken away there mere thirty minutes of release. Has everyone forgotten that school is not just about learning Mathematics, Reading, and Writing. Nor, is it about competition on which schools can obtain the highest grades.

Meeting

We met under a mango tree, in a field lined with possibility.

We met on the beaches sand, while we walked hand in hand.

I wait by the phone, so I know you're there

I long for your touch, reminding me you care

Thinking of our first kiss, and showing all the signs of love

We met under a mango tree, in a field lined with possibility.

We met on the beaches sand, while we walked hand in hand.

I promised you, our love will never fade

and I will show you this everyday

So if you ever find yourself wondering if this was the way

You know just what ill say

We met under a mango tree, in a field lined with possibility.

We met on the beaches sand, while we walked hand in hand.

One With Wilderness

This past weekend I celebrated Mother's Day. Asa and I went camping for the first time. I dont know why I never camped growing up but I do know that as a young adult I had this stigma. I couldn't leave the house without make up. I grew up feeling as though I was never good enough let alone pretty enough. This is an issue I battle with daily on some level or another. The older I become the more I realize how little meaning my looks and what people think of me matter. In fact, they dont matter at all. So as time passes I grow, mentally and as a reward for that growth I can allow myself to relax and enjoy what life brings, instead of hiding from the world.

Let me just say, if you haven't been camping you must go! Asa and I had so much fun. We went with his scouts as a combined camping plus the yearly derby car races. Some of the scouts were gracious enough to help us set up our tent which was not as difficult as I thought. I imagined endless hours of propping the tent up just to watch it fall down, just like in the cartoons. Id say it took all of twenty minutes.  I packed tons of junk food which now, that the weekend is over, I am paying the price dearly. As the scouts and families arrived, had dinner, settled in and then watched a movie...the latest Harry Potter, via a sweet outdoor screen and projector. I played guitar for a bit and was alittle disappointed there was a fire ban. That did not put limitations on the fun to be had though. It was nearly midnight before calling it a day, Asa and I snuggled into our four person tent, equipped with two blow up mattresses and comfy sleeping bags. We pulled out the junk food, snacked and told stories. Our first story had to be all rhyming words. It went alittle something like this..."I had a pet frog that only sat on a log, he lived in a bog, that was covered in fog." This was followed by some pretty sweet knock knock jokes and then off to sleep we went.

As I am drifting away I see a bug crawl across me, Ahahahaha! Thankful it was small and quickly squished. After that there were no issues. We fell asleep listening to the sounds of night time critters. At some point during the night I woke to complete silence, it was an odd environment. Especially for someone who sleeps with constant white noise. Then around 6am we woke to the sounds of birds chirping happily. We finally rose around 7:30am. Had breakfast. Asa went straight to play with his friends. I watched, took some pictures. I believe over a hundred pictures were captured. More scouts and families started to arrive for the races, everything was coming together. We tweak Asa's car, get him registered and impound the car then went for a hike with some scouts. The land was beautiful, yet another hidey hole within Florida. Around lunch time Grandpa and Grandma arrived, the races began. There were some sweet cars, so many ideas for next year I cant even begin to explain the creativity involved. There were 2 rounds of racing. A total of 8 races in round one. Asa won second place...woohoo! He did great for his first year! After all the festivities we packed up, Asa was tired and for our first camping it was quite eventful. The rest of our weekend was spent baking and resting...which technically if your baking, resting is an impossibility.